Gone Corporat'

Please be aware the following post contains A LOT of ALL-CAPS used to convey an elevation in pitch and increase in sound should this actually be spoken.

The receptionist I am helping out this week probably wonders why every time she looks over I am munching on a prepackaged bowl of Corn Pops (not the bowl itself, you understand, but the delicious, delicious cereal) or chewing a piece of gum or sipping on another cup of coffee or Snapple. This place has A FULLY STOCKED KITCHEN with every sort of carbonated drink you can fathom, zillions of types of coffee, scads of granola bars, and other snacks. AND I get to order breakfast AND lunch. She meanwhile delicately chews her watermelon or swallows her flax oil pill while I am ravaging another snack option, one definitely full of high-fructose corn syrup and most likely, trans fats.

I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS MUCH FOOD IN YEARS! YEARS, I TELL YOU! It's kind of like the kids you knew in high school whose parents were overly strict, and then they went to college with all this BOOZE and BOYS and ADDERALL and the next thing you know, there's a special on Oprah about What Went Wrong after a notable incident involving gardening shears, the neighbors' pet llama, and a vat of absinthe. It boils down to: LACK OF SELF CONTROL.

All this food is marvelous to have around, particularly since my main physical exertion these days comes from standing up in the shower, but I am so sluggish from the sugar coursing through my veins that my neck lolls back, and I'm standing there slack-jawed under the water.

So praise the Lawd that this place has A GYM! WITH ELLIPTICALS AND DUMBBELLS!

Of course, I won't be visiting said center of physical activity, but it's nice to know these larger companies have options. Options that nourish me and then help me burn off excess calories. It's enough to make me want to go corporate.

See ya, deepest ambitions and creative aspirations. Who needs you when I've got Cocoa Puffs and the inner thigh machine that makes me feel like I'm at the gynecologist?

Let's file this under "Another Reason Why I am Like Liz Lemon"